Reflections on JPII's Salvifici Doloris, Part 2
“Man can put this question [of the meaning of suffering] to God with all the emotion of his heart and with his mind full of dismay and anxiety; and God expects the question and listens to it.” -JPII
I remember, fourteen years ago, lying wide awake on the couch, night after night, one question echoing in my mind: “Why?”
“Why, Lord? Why did You allow this to happen? Why this? Why now?”
At that time, I was grateful for even ten minutes of sleep – and sometimes I wouldn’t even get that. My heart seemed to be going a mile a minute, day and night, and it was difficult to take my pulse because it was so fast and weak. When I would be able to count it, I typically clocked my pulse at more than 200 bpm at rest. When I would lie down, my pulse would thump inside my head, forcing me to sit up again.
I had hallucinations at that time as well. Simple ones but disturbing nonetheless: seeing people moving outside the window when no one was there, detecting words shifting on the page, sensing the walls of a room closing in on me, and hearing my phone or the doorbell ring when no one was calling. My anxiety was through the roof, and I felt claustrophobic outside on overcast days and even more inside the duplex we lived in. I struggled to get through each night and each day, while also raising two young boys and working in a demanding career as my husband finished his degree.
This was the result of taking a strong medication for a condition I had, not expecting my body to react this way. Even after I stopped taking the medication, the symptoms continued for many months, slowly tapering down over the course of a year or two. However, I was left with substantial insomnia for about twelve years, and my pulse still echoes in my head when I lie down.
Especially at its peak, I felt overwhelmed, exhausted, lost, and misunderstood. So many emotions and so many questions rolled around in my head, but I had no answers for any of them.
Suffering as a Mystery
In his apostolic letter Salvifici Doloris, Saint John Paul II says that suffering “must be accepted as a mystery, which the individual is unable to penetrate completely by his own intelligence” (11).
JPII references the story of Job, who was innocent yet suffered greatly from the loss of his family, his home, and his health. He had everything a person could want before losing it all. Job’s friends scrambled to explain Job’s loss, but the belief of Old Testament times – that suffering is a direct result of sin – did not aid in understanding Job’s situation.
Job replied to his friends, struggling also to come to grips with what had befallen him: “But where shall wisdom be found? And where is the place of understanding? It is hidden from the eyes of all living, and concealed from the birds of the air” (Job 28:20-21).
The Lord answered Job with questions of his own several chapters later: “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements – surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy? (Job 38:4-7).” And a few verses after that, “Where is the way to the dwelling of light, and where is the place of darkness, that you may take it to its territory and that you may discern the paths to its home?” (38:19-20).
Job’s story reminds me of the disciples’ experience on the first Good Friday and Holy Saturday, dumbfounded as to why Jesus had been crucified. It must have seemed so senseless and confusing to them. This Jesus, whom they believed to be the Messiah, had been sentenced to death yet had performed no miracle and put up no fight to save Himself. They must have felt the heaviness and the fear so acutely, waiting for Jesus to do something, waiting for Him to explain why this was happening, yet receiving no answer. But the God of the universe must surely know what He is doing, right? They would find out on the third day what Jesus had already known: there was a reason for His death. The Passion was not in vain.
Suffering is a mystery to us, hidden from our eyes and beyond our understanding. We struggle to understand, to wrap our minds around our suffering – especially suffering that is not tied directly to our own sin. There is wisdom in suffering, but it remains largely a mystery to us, for the ways that God truly uses suffering is well beyond our comprehension and deeper than we can imagine. Wisdom rests in God, and much of it is hidden in Him.
Our God created the heavens and earth and upholds them and us. God knows the boundaries and ways of good and evil and the ways of human nature as we wrestle in the spaces between them. He sees infinitely far and wide, to the beginning and to the end and guides it all. Nothing happens that He has not foreseen and cannot redeem.
This is a beautiful answer but not a very comforting one, especially as we sit in the hard places. We want to understand. If something painful has befallen us, we naturally want to know why.
The Beginning of an Answer
Pope John Paul II encourages us in our uneasiness and pain: “Man can put this question [of the meaning of suffering] to God with all the emotion of his heart and with his mind full of dismay and anxiety; and God expects the question and listens to it” (10). God wants us to ask, to explore, to be curious. He welcomes our coming to Him with our big questions, with our despair, anxiety, frustrations, and anger. He is ready to let us wrestle with Him, to work things out in prayer and to appeal to Him for answers and for assistance. The answer may still remain somewhat mysterious, but the important thing is that we are engaging with God and seeking Him – and when we seek Him, He does lead us.
While the “why” of our specific circumstances may be beyond us and the depth of the meaning of suffering is hidden, God has revealed some things about the purpose of suffering. JPII shares some of this in section III before diving deeper, especially in our next section. As revealed in both the Old and especially New Covenants, Saint John Paul II says, “Suffering must serve for conversion, that is, for the rebuilding of goodness in the subject, who can recognize the divine mercy in this call to repentance…. Its purpose is also to strengthen goodness both in man himself and in his relationships with others and especially with God” (12).
Whatever the causes or details of the suffering, God can and – when we allow Him – does use it for our conversion and building up of goodness within us. He calls us to repentance and extends His mercy to us, drawing us into relationship with Him and changing our hearts to be more conformed to His. It doesn’t always appear this is happening in the middle of the struggle, as changes are most often deeper than we can perceive, especially while we are trying to just put one foot in front of the other. But often, when we look back, we can see the change over time in the same way we realize that a child has grown by looking at photos from a year or two ago.
The two years following my taking that medication were among the most difficult in my life. There were times I wasn’t sure I’d make it through. After a while, though, my nights awake on the couch became almost comforting as I prayed for God to just hold me and began to appreciate the quiet time alone with Him. Looking back, there was a huge amount of growth that happened in those years. Over time I became a different person at my core. As I wrestled with God and asked Him “why?” and as I sought answers and healing, I also turned to God in radical trust and surrender. In doing so, I opened myself to Him, and He touched my heart deeply and changed me, drawing my heart to His.
We can’t fully comprehend suffering or why God allows it, especially while we are going through it. But we can – and are invited to – ask “why?” God wants us to approach Him, opening our hearts to Him in the hard things, bringing the deepest part of ourselves, with all our questions and big feelings and frustrations, to Him. He knows what we cannot. He sees what is beyond our human vision. And He holds us in His hands, guiding us and bringing us back to wholeness as we repent and appeal to His mercy. He converts our hearts and rebuilds goodness in us as we offer ourselves and surrender to Him in our pain.
These reflections are not meant to be a comprehensive summary of Salvifici Doloris.
All quotes, unless otherwise noted, are taken from Salvifici Doloris. The numbers refer to paragraph numbers.
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